The Telloff Breakers
Today a professor started an argument with me in class. The details aren’t important, but I’ll sketch the context. I asked him to clarify an apparent inconsistency in an assignment, and he became upset, highly defensive, and said that I was making broad judgmental, authoritarian statements and interrupting his lecture. He went on and on. He drew me out to say more, then skewered my for continuing to argue. I have been in college for several years and have never had this experience with any prof. I don’t know what his deal was, but it made me sufficiently upset to get chewed out in class that I came up with strategies to use if someone gets in your face in a public setting. (By the way, if you want help with these strategies, consult a jerk.) A good telling off involves a few key elements. 1. A declaration of a social breach. 2. Like a story, it has a beginning, middle, and end. 3. Emphatic speech which is fast, loud, or both. 4. The implicit acceptance of the person getting the bad end that he has to sit through it and listen. 5. The angry person has to build up momentum and maintain it long enough to assert the social breach from more than one angle. For example, “Hey, you can’t take my watch!” is not a telling off. But, “Hey, you can’t take my watch! Who the hell do you think you are?!” is. 6. Authority. The aggressor has to have the authority to make the claim. Think about a smoker parent telling off a kid for smoking. That’s an easy one for the kid. This authority exists in the mind of the aggressor, the receiver, and the witnesses. So if someone is telling you off, here are things you can do to defuse him. I am putting these in order of psychological impact on him rather than “debate-team-style” correct argument. Successful argument is not the goal here. The goal is to f*** up the other person’s attempt to slam dunk you socially. The bedrock of all of this is calmness on your part. If you yell you validate the argument. 1. Make the person seem emotionally out of control. (This works best in public because civilization requires adults to control their emotions. The audience believes that it’s okay to be wrong, but not to be uncivil.) No matter what his tone is, say very very calmly for contrast, “Don’t yell at me. That’s not okay. You are obviously upset, and until you are able to control yourself, I won’t participate in this exchange.” (This breaks elements #2, 3, 4, and maybe 5.) 2. Re-center the argument on the person’s psychology. (This works best in public because civilized culture expects adults to handle their own problems.) Interrupt. Say calmly, “I don’t know why you’re so upset about this, but it’s obvious that this is really about some other problem in your life. I don’t know what demons you’re fighting here, but please don’t take them out on me.” (This breaks 2, interrupts 3, breaks 4, 5 if you’re fast.) 3. Break his momentum. Interrupt as soon as possible and say, “Wait, what?” Then interrupt again and say, “Take it easy, you’re not making a lot of sense right now.” Interrupt over and again, “I’m trying to understand what your saying, but I’m having a hard time.” If he’s speaking quietly (unlikely) say, “What? I can’t hear you. Speak up so I can hear what you are saying.” If he’s speaking loudly, say so. If he’s speaking quickly, say “Slow down, you’re not making sense.” Then use strategy 1 or 2 above. 4. This is the last resort. Deny the breach (#1), implicit acceptance on your part (#4), and the authority to give you whatfor (#6). Do these things by arguing on the merits. Only do this if you are sure the facts are behind you and the person is willing to acknowledge their validity. Sometimes you will be right, but the person just wants to vent, so trying to convince him of your rightness does nothing. Unless you can smartly and devastatingly point out a gaping flaw in his argument, use 1, 2, or 3 to break momentum, redirect the argument, and undermine context and authority. Exit! If you use 1, 2, or 3: Say, “Let’s continue this when you are in control of yourself,” and take control by leaving if possible. If you use 4 successfully, then do a victory dance or something. However, it’s probably better to do the same control exit before the person picks up steam again or does some other negative thing. This is all geared to be intensely annoying to the angry person. So don’t do this stuff to your boss or any person who has something you need unless you’re ready to lose those resources. In some circumstances you’re just on the wrong person’s turf. His turf (the office, the classroom, his house) makes him powerful, so try to preclude confrontation in his arena. Some of my greatest victories have been avoiding a person’s historical patterns of conflict or just keeping my mouth shut.
